Birds

My deepest desires are tucked away.
Along with the regrets and chances that passed me by.
The birds still sing in my heart.
Would you please open me up and listen to them?
But            where are you?

Beside

I'm terrified that I won't.
Find anybody beside me.
Or that nobody will find me.. there.

No title

I believed in God for a day.

Half a day.

I was on the ground.

Nothing, nothing, nothing that motivated me to go on.

Scared of life.

It wasn't God, it was me who did it.

Crawled till I could walk again.

And then, I learn, that I might never walk again, sooner or later.

I asked one day to give me something, a disease, and save someone else from this faith.

It happened.

I asked no one in particular.

Yesterday

I have to write this.

I'll do everything in my power to be good.
To not be selfish or narcissistic or arrogant.
But how can I not be arrogant if I want to be myself and be confident?
I'm too honest, I'm too fake, I'm trying too hard, I'm doing too little.
There is no way to be perfect.
There is no way to be what people want me to be.
I'm almost going back to the darkness just to prevent these feelings in me.
I will never find out what I need to do.
But fuck that, I don't need to do anything.
After all, mistakes made me wiser.
Still, I'm lost in all this and in what the world seems to be.

But why did I think I found it yesterday?

Everything

You are there, somewhere.
Backed up by memories of me.
Memories of us.
Us?
What was us?
Love.
That was all but everything, for me, it was.

I Don't Know

I dreamed about you, after the first time we've exchanged words.
We kissed, but I don't know you.

Darkness

No, I won't.
I won't get into the darkness again.
You want me 2.
But I won't let you.
Can't you see the light you created in me?

On the train

I'm taking the train. It makes me nervous at first. All those different souls, thoughts and lives captured in one small compartment. I like to think, I like to fill in the blanks while I gaze upon someone trying to figure out what is going on in them. She is talking on the phone besides me. Every day is an episode of her lifeline. She creates the story herself and puts herself into the middle. I could write a book on the short conversation she has on the phone with a friend. She says goodbye and puts down the phone. She tapped me on the arm unintentionally. "Sorry!" She said. I smiled at her and said it was ok. I was happy to be a small part in her story.

Connected

There are a lot of times that I feel uncomfortable and nervous around people. It takes me a lot of energy to become myself. Although when I'm alone with someone this doesn't happen. Everybody has there own thoughts about you. I have my own thoughts about them. How much do you show? How much do you have to show to not put people off? I gave up trying to be someone else to please and make sure everybody likes me. If someone doesn't like me then we weren't ment to be connected.

Heart

I have a warm heart.
But no one sees the fire in me.

Thoughts

He was there, again. Looking at himself in the windows of the shops he passed while thinking. Thinking of what his future might hold. "The past is gone and will never return. It will never return to me so I can erase my mistakes and replace them with the knowledge I have now", he thought. "It seemed impossible to live before". He remembered the last time he cried and looked on his watch. Anything to distract him from his thoughts but seeing the time go by made him shiver. He looked down on the ground in a puddle of water and saw his own reflection. He heard several footsteps in the distance. He shook his head in disbelief how he could make himself suffer like this and continued to walk the street. "My soul only feels free when I am by myself. But I don't want my soul to be free, i want it to be torn apart. When it was torn apart I felt alive." He remembered her, still, after all those years. "The first one you really love, is the one who can teach you what pain means, show you that you have a heart, that there is a pain that you can feel without being physically harmed." He remembered how he felt and started laughing. "It was beautiful", he said quietly.

Love

It's allright, you can use me.
I will love you till you are done with me.