Again

The feeling is back.
Other old feelings are gone.
Like loneliness.
But this other feeling is back.
And I don't want it.
You gave me everything.
But you still take weeks.
And enter my sleep.
And take my words.
And wisdom away.
Only to return it back to me on the day.
On the day I wake up again.

I Don't Know

You are close to me but still far away.

It’s hard to know.

To know what’s going on in somebody else’s heart.

I try to feel and read.

But I don’t know if I fail.

At that or not.

Do I see what I want to see?

Or do I see reality?

It crossed my mind.

To be with you forever.

Although I don’t know.

What will happen.

Next time we meet.

Second Heartbeat

I couldn't expect you to run into me.

I took the first step but it feels like destiny.

Our souls connected in more than one way.

Already, you are there.

Next to me, so close, I can feel your breath.

I can feel your heart beating.

I hope you can sense my heart is pounding for you, too.

Love

I might be in love.
With you.
I want to get to know you.
And I'm not giving up anytime soon.
You could be my sun.
I could be your shelter.
I hope we will meet and speak.
Again, sweety.

Travel

Just take one step.
Go with the flow and end up somewhere new.
You are meant to meet the people you meet.
If you wasn't there, they would have had an other experience.

We are all part of something bigger.
But be careful with this realization.
Because most of the time it's too big.
To comprehend.

Out Of Love, I Cried

Rolling this tobacco in thin rice paper.

Sitting in the dark reading.

Thoughts of somebody I do not know.

But they resonate with me.

Still thinking of what I’m really searching for.

I realize I’m on this road alone.

Feelings have returned that made me loose months in the past.

Out of love, I cried.

My body flat on a table listening to a song that resonated with my feelings.

I could not know how this would feel.

There was a time I was alone like this.

When I saw a falling star pass.

It granted my wishes after my long waiting.

And I can’t thank enough.

I Just Can't Find You

I just can't find you.
So what should I do?
Because I'm starting to feel the pressure of society.

I'm not great at searching for a treasure.
I'm that kind that has to fall over it.
To find it.

So what should I do?

I have great dreams at night.
In daylight they seem to get closer.
How far away are you?

Or are you already there?

A Million Ways

You can come up with a million ways to deceive yourself.

I have mastered this game.

I’m making myself believe that I can be alone.

Really alone and deal with that.

Overcome the worst of things by myself.

I only wished that was true.

Some Place I Don't Know Yet

Somewhere a woman is waiting for me and I will find her. I will travel and make mistakes and take the wrong road and there you will be...

Random Thoughts Of Two Months Ago

Boring day. As usual I’m thinking too much about you. A half year it’s been like this and I start to hate my own actions. I feel good when I’m sitting in my car listening to good music, when I’m alone in my backyard smoking cigarettes. My life has been full of nothing, I’m used to keeping things too myself and talk not very frequently. As time goes by I start to wonder if anything is going to happen. Things did happen when I didn't expected and I got hurt from corners I couldn't expect. Sitting in the depths of hell thinking I should end it. In doubt about how I’m going to do that and if I should. Sometimes it feels like the best that can happen. If a truck would be about to hit me, I wouldn't necessarily step out of the way. Suicidal thoughts keep returning at random times. Hope also comes down once again, paying me a visit saying to me I should keep going and that good things will happen again. But for now, there is not less than nothing than there was before I met you and you came into my life. Now you are in my life but I don’t want you to be. There are so many things I hate about you, if I would make a list it could take a day. The list about the good things would be just as long so that evens it out for you. I’m just typing out my thoughts hoping they will get rearranged in a better way than they were before but still, but still I’m struggling with myself and nobody knows or sees it. My life was never really good and happiness only comes once in a blue moon and if it stays more than a week I consider myself lucky. I did do some things I would never had done if it wasn't for this bad news about my body. She didn't even care about it. She never could care about the hard things in life. For her, it’s just about herself and she’s got enough trouble with handling only that. You act like I don’t know you anymore but I do. I know you better than all the other man you had and that you manipulated into loving you. Which is more easy for you to do. I don’t love easily, I never did, there were only a few women I really liked or was in love with and most of the time they weren't thinking it of me. I don’t know, it seems that in Holland I can’t find girls that like me as much as you did. Who knows, maybe in a year or two it will happen again. I really want to get rid of you, and get you of my mind but it seems I still can’t do it. I’m still hoping for your return somewhere or that we at least can spend a night together just for that fact. Just to erase the promises you didn't keep and make my mind at ease so I can move forward to the future and something new. What does work is keep writing, keep writing, till the craft is there and you can talk about anything you want do and put it in the right sentences. The road is harder than I could imagine it would be and I couldn't expect the bad things that happened, I just didn't see them coming. Now I have to deal with all of it on my own and continue my internal struggles I always had with life and the social aspect of things. I wish I didn't think this much or at least just continue life but I can’t forget yet. Almost a year past since that day of summer. It was a bittersweet moment I could never get out of my mind and I still smile thinking back. But I was wrong about you. Dead wrong. You don’t care about people, you only care about things that you can use, that are useful to you. You only love things you need. It should be the other way around. It should be that you would love, and that’s why you need them. I don’t know how to say this in the right words. When I will get lucky like this again? It seem like forever.  Life is but a dream, she might be right. If I could fly away. But I’m stuck here, in my own world. It’s like I’m looking to the world behind glass. I can look but I can’t touch. I don’t how to achieve the things I want, the things I need, and I don’t believe in forcing it, like you. I wouldn't like myself if I had. For girls its different and there are a lot of them that need emotional guidance in this life. We man don’t need that. We can do that on our own. We need different things. What I need is a touch. I wasn't touched for maybe 8 years. It’s ridiculous if I think about it but the reasons are clear to me and I might have deserved it. It’s a harsh life living this way. Like today, I can’t even speak to people and I get nervous about the most little things. I want to shy away from everything and go home and lay in bed. Just nothing, give me nothing on a day like this. It will get better again but for now it’s fucking awful dreadful days ahead of me. Go ahead, go ahead. Alike like nobody. 

Leave

New steps into the future.
Leaping into a new field of dreams.
I leave the leaves that I have stepped on.
And make way for the trees to drop some more.

Could I make it?
On my own?
Why not.

Letting Go

Everything doesn't go as I expected.
Not expecting anything was the answer to my problems.
It will make you unhappy if you expect things.
Things will go as they go.
People will come back if they were supposed to.
You will take them back if it's right.

I've moved on from my difficult self a little bit.
Being less sensitive about things.
Because I  made things too complicated that way.
Although it's the way I am wired and I will still use it.
If it's the right time for it.

The stars are with me this time.
I feel it.
I'm letting myself go.