Boring day.
As usual I’m thinking too much about you. A half year it’s been like this and I
start to hate my own actions. I feel good when I’m sitting in my car listening
to good music, when I’m alone in my backyard smoking cigarettes. My life has been
full of nothing, I’m used to keeping things too myself and talk not very
frequently. As time goes by I start to wonder if anything is going to happen.
Things did happen when I didn't expected and I got hurt from corners I couldn't
expect. Sitting in the depths of hell thinking I should end it. In doubt about
how I’m going to do that and if I should. Sometimes it feels like the best that
can happen. If a truck would be about to hit me, I wouldn't necessarily step
out of the way. Suicidal thoughts keep returning at random times. Hope also
comes down once again, paying me a visit saying to me I should keep going and
that good things will happen again. But for now, there is not less than nothing
than there was before I met you and you came into my life. Now you are in my
life but I don’t want you to be. There are so many things I hate about you, if
I would make a list it could take a day. The list about the good things would
be just as long so that evens it out for you. I’m just typing out my thoughts
hoping they will get rearranged in a better way than they were before but
still, but still I’m struggling with myself and nobody knows or sees it. My
life was never really good and happiness only comes once in a blue moon and if
it stays more than a week I consider myself lucky. I did do some things I would
never had done if it wasn't for this bad news about my body. She didn't even
care about it. She never could care about the hard things in life. For her,
it’s just about herself and she’s got enough trouble with handling only that.
You act like I don’t know you anymore but I do. I know you better than all the
other man you had and that you manipulated into loving you. Which is more easy
for you to do. I don’t love easily, I never did, there were only a few women I
really liked or was in love with and most of the time they weren't thinking it
of me. I don’t know, it seems that in Holland I can’t find girls that like me
as much as you did. Who knows, maybe in a year or two it will happen again. I
really want to get rid of you, and get you of my mind but it seems I still
can’t do it. I’m still hoping for your return somewhere or that we at least can
spend a night together just for that fact. Just to erase the promises you didn't
keep and make my mind at ease so I can move forward to the future and something
new. What does work is keep writing, keep writing, till the craft is there and
you can talk about anything you want do and put it in the right sentences. The
road is harder than I could imagine it would be and I couldn't expect the bad
things that happened, I just didn't see them coming. Now I have to deal with
all of it on my own and continue my internal struggles I always had with life
and the social aspect of things. I wish I didn't think this much or at least
just continue life but I can’t forget yet. Almost a year past since that day of
summer. It was a bittersweet moment I could never get out of my mind and I
still smile thinking back. But I was wrong about you. Dead wrong. You don’t
care about people, you only care about things that you can use, that are useful
to you. You only love things you need. It should be the other way around. It
should be that you would love, and that’s why you need them. I don’t know how
to say this in the right words. When I will get lucky like this again? It seem
like forever. Life is but a dream, she
might be right. If I could fly away. But I’m stuck here, in my own world. It’s
like I’m looking to the world behind glass. I can look but I can’t touch. I
don’t how to achieve the things I want, the things I need, and I don’t believe
in forcing it, like you. I wouldn't like myself if I had. For girls its
different and there are a lot of them that need emotional guidance in this
life. We man don’t need that. We can do that on our own. We need different
things. What I need is a touch. I wasn't touched for maybe 8 years. It’s
ridiculous if I think about it but the reasons are clear to me and I might have
deserved it. It’s a harsh life living this way. Like today, I can’t even speak
to people and I get nervous about the most little things. I want to shy away
from everything and go home and lay in bed. Just nothing, give me nothing on a
day like this. It will get better again but for now it’s fucking awful dreadful
days ahead of me. Go ahead, go ahead. Alike like nobody.
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