Care

I want people to care about me.
But people only seem to care if you make them.

And that is in contradiction with everything I believe in.

They

They say I think too much and talk too little.

But maybe they think too little and talk too much.

Sweet Little Devil

"You have to smile more. I really like your smile.
You are my sweet little devil."

I was, a devil. Always will be.
I am the youngest of my family.

When you are the youngest it is highly possible you have to fight for your presence to be felt.
You want to mean something, don't want your presence to be in vain.
But, I didn't like the attention.

When with my family I would make them laugh.
When all the attention was only directed at me I was hoping to disappear in thin air.
I did it for the small ego-boosts and to make my mother laugh.

Still this is buried inside of me and I don't really mind.
Now I've become strong enough to make my mark.

Building

It worked, waiting.

I waited 10 years.
8 of those years I threw away.

Hiding from suffering that the world might cause me.
Suffering the world caused me before.

Rejection, regret, cowardness.

It made me who I am.
It made me as strong as I am now.

I am sorry, when I met you I wasn't ready.
I will never be done building.
You couldn't understand or know how to handle the growth I had to make.

The growth I had to make to love myself first.
Before I be able to love what the world has to offer me.

Children

Walking in the city.

I take a left at the music store.

Stop a second to roll a cigarette.

I see a man and women middle aged.

Two kids walk in front of them.

One of the two kids is crying.

"You are always crying, why don't you stop it already?"

He kept on crying.

I thought by myself, no wonder he is crying.

The reaction and tone of the parent that shouted said enough.

No evidence of love in the way she spoke.

Of course I could be wrong.

I am no parent.

I promise the universe, when I will be, I will speak softly.

When they do cry, I will shout with love.

Guide

I am not here for myself.
I am a small part of the chain.
The part that will guide you.
Guide you to a better self.
It is causing me pain.
But i'm ok with that.
I will be there for you no matter what.

For you

I would walk through fire to save you.
Open the ports of wisdom.
Share pleasure and pain.
All I have, I would give.
I don't care about others.
Others that I could give the same.
For you, my heart burns.

Time

Time will heal everything.

If you let it.

Trade

Making funny faces.
It's all possible.
I wish I was in a different place.
Trade my life in for yours and see the world through your eyes.
Think the thoughts with your mind.
Maybe I will find out...

Luck

I'm doing really good.
But I am alone when the day ends.
At night I might cry myself to sleep.
In daytime I convince myself luck will get on my side again.
Being insecure or confident is just a matter of day and night.

Religion

If you need religion to believe in urself.
It probably means that you don't and probably never will.
Understand what believing really means.

Fragile

People are telling stories.
I feel sentimental.
I can feel what they feel.
Somehow I'm enjoying the pain it gives me.
Realizing how fragile everybody really is.
Everything is connected, and it's a powerful feeling being a part of it all.

Freedom

The Cinema.
Laughing at the same jokes as the rest.
I don't like the jokes they laugh about.
I watch them concentrate on the movie.
I am distracted by beautiful women and their behaviour.
Too many couples, I might be jealous.
On them being together like that.
I don't mind to be alone and watch them.
Thinking how beautiful life can be when you are free.

Change

First.

I need to change.

Then I have to be myself.
Be more open.

"I like you the way you was."

Share your feelings.

"It's always about how you feel!"

"I love you because u are so sweet."

U should be more assertive.

"Why are you always so nervous?"

"I like your shyness and that u are so humble."

"We used to talk about anything."

"U are here but you are not here."

I guess love taught me a lot...

Presence

My jacket is hanging over a stool.
It's my soul captured.
It symbolizes my presence.
I'm here, that's what you have to realize.
Make your mark, no matter how small.

Made

She said something sweet.
He didn't understand much or which way it would go.
Neither did she.
But she had a plan.
A plan that would make her happy.
But what about the consequences?
They thought about the consequences only for themselves.
"I love him so much!" She thought with twinkles in her eyes.
He thought the same thing about her but knew more.
He knew what she was searching for.
But he had feelings too, he felt love for her.
She was pretty and he lacked something in his life.
It was perfect for both.
A helping hand and a hand in need.
Till the time the truth would come out.
They would hold each others hands and make love under that rainbow light.
That would have been her words, because she makes miracles happen.
For everyone she would ever love.

Closer

Taking a step.
More steps everyday.
Where do these steps take us?
Why do they create a better self?
Not everybody can think like that.
Use it, if you can.
Don't think twice.
I thought twice too much.
That made me leave with nothing too many times.
But even that brought me a step closer to a better self.
So maybe, think twice, but go for it without thinking, if you can.

Birds

My deepest desires are tucked away.
Along with the regrets and chances that passed me by.
The birds still sing in my heart.
Would you please open me up and listen to them?
But            where are you?

Beside

I'm terrified that I won't.
Find anybody beside me.
Or that nobody will find me.. there.

No title

I believed in God for a day.

Half a day.

I was on the ground.

Nothing, nothing, nothing that motivated me to go on.

Scared of life.

It wasn't God, it was me who did it.

Crawled till I could walk again.

And then, I learn, that I might never walk again, sooner or later.

I asked one day to give me something, a disease, and save someone else from this faith.

It happened.

I asked no one in particular.

Yesterday

I have to write this.

I'll do everything in my power to be good.
To not be selfish or narcissistic or arrogant.
But how can I not be arrogant if I want to be myself and be confident?
I'm too honest, I'm too fake, I'm trying too hard, I'm doing too little.
There is no way to be perfect.
There is no way to be what people want me to be.
I'm almost going back to the darkness just to prevent these feelings in me.
I will never find out what I need to do.
But fuck that, I don't need to do anything.
After all, mistakes made me wiser.
Still, I'm lost in all this and in what the world seems to be.

But why did I think I found it yesterday?

Everything

You are there, somewhere.
Backed up by memories of me.
Memories of us.
Us?
What was us?
Love.
That was all but everything, for me, it was.

I Don't Know

I dreamed about you, after the first time we've exchanged words.
We kissed, but I don't know you.

Darkness

No, I won't.
I won't get into the darkness again.
You want me 2.
But I won't let you.
Can't you see the light you created in me?

On the train

I'm taking the train. It makes me nervous at first. All those different souls, thoughts and lives captured in one small compartment. I like to think, I like to fill in the blanks while I gaze upon someone trying to figure out what is going on in them. She is talking on the phone besides me. Every day is an episode of her lifeline. She creates the story herself and puts herself into the middle. I could write a book on the short conversation she has on the phone with a friend. She says goodbye and puts down the phone. She tapped me on the arm unintentionally. "Sorry!" She said. I smiled at her and said it was ok. I was happy to be a small part in her story.

Connected

There are a lot of times that I feel uncomfortable and nervous around people. It takes me a lot of energy to become myself. Although when I'm alone with someone this doesn't happen. Everybody has there own thoughts about you. I have my own thoughts about them. How much do you show? How much do you have to show to not put people off? I gave up trying to be someone else to please and make sure everybody likes me. If someone doesn't like me then we weren't ment to be connected.

Heart

I have a warm heart.
But no one sees the fire in me.

Thoughts

He was there, again. Looking at himself in the windows of the shops he passed while thinking. Thinking of what his future might hold. "The past is gone and will never return. It will never return to me so I can erase my mistakes and replace them with the knowledge I have now", he thought. "It seemed impossible to live before". He remembered the last time he cried and looked on his watch. Anything to distract him from his thoughts but seeing the time go by made him shiver. He looked down on the ground in a puddle of water and saw his own reflection. He heard several footsteps in the distance. He shook his head in disbelief how he could make himself suffer like this and continued to walk the street. "My soul only feels free when I am by myself. But I don't want my soul to be free, i want it to be torn apart. When it was torn apart I felt alive." He remembered her, still, after all those years. "The first one you really love, is the one who can teach you what pain means, show you that you have a heart, that there is a pain that you can feel without being physically harmed." He remembered how he felt and started laughing. "It was beautiful", he said quietly.

Love

It's allright, you can use me.
I will love you till you are done with me.