The end

What do you know about pain?
What do you know about being alone?
What do you know about depression?
Have you ever been on the edge?
Have you ever tried to end it all?
What do you know?
I know, but I wish I didn't.
Do I?
Question everything till I die.
Quit.
Now.
Or.
Go.
On.
But for how long?
I promise, I will leave everything.
If it comes back.

Nothing

The wind took away my gleam.
It gave me directions to follow.
Roads to turn into.
And I got turned into this.
A stranger looking out of the window.
The leaves get blown away out of my sight.
And it leaves me hoping, hoping for a better day.
Looking across.
Into nothingness.

Retreat

Not everything was as it seemed.
And I can't see how it is today.
My mind is not working.
And I don't know when it will be back.
Just let me sleep for a couple of days.
Retreat, cause I would do too much damage if I would engage.

Broken

Yes, I might be broken. In the same way I was before. All the pain and anxiety back in place where they were before. Just one dream. That one dream you wished you would never have again. One story my mind made out of thoughts that returned. A bad self-image. People looking down on me. I thought that about now I would have had enough walls build up to avoid these demons from invading my thought pattern. I take much pleasure in being alone. Mostly because I don’t want to be reminded. Most of these things I think about myself are not true. But I’m afraid I will make them true as I am interfered with thoughts like this. I have avoided contact for so long. This was normal for me. So, now, as I am in this world, I am just beginning my journey. Not everybody begins to be aware on the same age. I’ve met people wiser then me only having half my age. But at the same time, I have seen those who are not. I feel the light coming back as I am writing. Though this took me more than 30 minutes to write and it doesn’t come easy today, I gave another angel a place to stay in the back of my mind and she can come along.

Beyond My Own Reality

In his reflection I see myself.
Build up rage.
Hidden behind a stubborn face.
A face that will break when the tide gets too high.
The hands that broke me when he couldn't hold it in anymore.
I see me as I see him.
It's as if I'm trying to handle myself because I carry the same trades.
And somewhere I'm glad he passed it on.
Cause these trades also contain strength.
The strength to never let me be bend in the trades of another human being but his.
I hope I can pass on this seed.
When I find the perfect mix to let me live on beyond my own reality.

Me?

Must have taken a wrong turn somewhere.
That led me here.
Still a boy, not yet knowing.
Not getting what I need for so long I can't tell.
I can't show the pain because I am ashamed.
I cry.
And get angry.
I want to end it.
Stop this madness.
I might.
Do something I can't turn back.
This might be the best solution.
The hope has faded once more.
No one will visit.
I lost my way.
I lost my ticket.
My ticket to freedom.
My ticket to having what other people have.
I can't emotionally connect the dots.
With another human being.
I might think I do.
I might think I shared the pain but I didn't.
I couldn't.
Something is wrong with me and I don't know what.
No one seems to care or see.
Who is there anyway?
But me?

Pray

I spend some time in bed.
I prayed for you yesterday.
For your soul to find peace.
For you to find peace within yourself.
We are both still wandering, dodging the rain.
I only have simple words.
But these words helped me.
Maybe they can help you too.
The silence I keep is out of respect for your search.
I stumbled and fell in the trap once more.
But now I will keep gold till you found yours.
Keep with me, without me.
I'm just tiny, and always will be, the trespasser.
I will watch from a distance, making sure it will find his place.
But you won't see me, anymore.

Alone

Maybe I have nothing to write about.
Maybe I have.
All this loneliness still.
I take myself by the hand.
To show me where I need to go.
To show me that I am worth it.
All these normal people have.
I don't have.
What they have.
But I don't want too, or do I?
I am constructed in the same way as any other.
Though searching for a distinct difference in them.
The difference that might relate to my vision of the world.
I speak my mind now.
And it works.
Still it hurts.
And it keeps hurting.

How alone I feel.

The fight within myself

Hello, depression. Welcome back. How long are you planning to stay this time? I figured you out lately depression. You only seem to come by when I am at my loneliest.When people seem to leave me like they never cared in the first place. When I am in pain and I don't know where to go. But I know now how to beat you. You won't get me this time my old time friend. But even when I was at my happiest you came by once and held me in your power. No, not this time. I am stronger than you. Even all this bad luck I got thrown my way didn't destroy me. So why do you think you can? You make me think again about my actions in the past and how bad people can be. But no, I won't give in to your negativity. Let the sun come in! I will burn you to the ground!

Love #2

Sometimes you have to choose life over love.
Before you destroy someone by your own needs.

Infinity

I stopped searching because it doesn't seem to work in this way.
It would be only revenge on you to find another women quick.
I still hate to see your picture of the day you left.
I think you did make the choice of revenge.
But someday you will find yourself alone.
When your beauty has faded.
When your body and smile aren't enough anymore.

For man, it's different.
A man could go for years without anyone saying he's beautiful.
He will need patience.

A man would accept you for your beauty.
For the pleasures you can offer.
Your personality isn't important now.

If you say: "Take me." They will.
Is that wrong?
No, that's the way of the world.
But I hope you someday realize this won't work till infinity.

Noon

Sleeping at noon.
I wake up in a smaller world.
Time doesn't apply as it used to.
Especially when I find myself alone.
When it's dark and the light left when I couldn't see it.
The thoughts propel.
About dead and beyond.
Will it feel like this?
In between nothing and everything, forever.

Answers

Sometimes nothing makes sense and you might quit with everything.
You've done till now.
How many things you hold on to?
Before you perish with nothing to grasp.
There are times I throw away everything just to be able to start again.

I can laugh about anything now.
I cried about it all before.
It all seems senseless.
Yesterday it seemed for a reason.
Everything I did.

There are no universal answers to my questions.
Only answers I give myself.
Which are great, at times.
Maybe that is wisdom, if people identify.
With your answers.

Devotion

Showing patience or devotion.
It just a matter of what you do at what time.

Sky

Out of the sky.
Under a cloud.
Under bed covers.
Feet dangling.

Dance sometime.
Alone or with others.
Doesn't matter.
Everybody only cares about themselves.
Most of the time.

Human

What if.
You stopped.
And watched.
What's happening.

Would you agree?
It's more beautiful when you look?

When you take feelings.
See the world through eyes of a different.
Human being.

New Year's Eve

Something I wrote on 31 December 2012 before I got drunk.
Found it in my phone a day later.

Why this night I feel like dying again?
There is no one.
I'm trying so fucking hard but it doesn't add up to shit.
If I had a pill to take me out if this world I would take it.
This is a cry for help.
How long do I have to live alone?
How much time do I have before my body will forsake me?
I was so positive about my future just a day ago.
And now I'm lost again.
Only pain and tears are there for me.
I'm longing for a connection.
I'm longing for a body to hold.
Somebody next to me who understands my pain and my deepest fears.
Please, please, please.
I can't take much more of this.

Morning

I hear the rain falling.
My curtains are closed.
I hear a caw of a crow in the distance.
Small sounds can paint a vivid picture.
It makes me think of the past.

When I used to ride my bike to school.
When I heard the birds singing like they did every morning when I would go.
It takes me back.

Back to when I found out I would never fit in.
This little smart muscular kid with a temper.
I fought, I chased girls, I played, but I was quiet.
I hated to be in big groups.

I rather was alone or just with one person to get along with.
In big groups I changed and became one of them.
Or I would hide behind the silly faces I made.

This all has meaning now.
When you are ready to find this in yourself.
You will be able to face the future without fear for yourself.
You always have been what you are going to be.

Dream #2

I dreamed again, about her.

I visited her there, far away.
She lived at a house with some other people and her new boyfriend.
I sat on a garden chair outside in the back and waited for her to come home.
Her friends were sitting in front of me smoking weed.
They passed it to me.
I took two pulls and let out a cloud of smoke.
The smoke hung there in the air white as a cloud reflecting sunlight, thick.
It stayed there.

I looked at a girl who was standing left from me.
She had sweet, brown eyes and appeared to be shy.
The girl walked towards me and waved the smoke away and said: "I hate this."
Then she came home.

I walked over and sat with her on the couch.
A bag of tobacco in front of me and a bag of weed in my pocket.
I asked her: "Did you meet him already while you where with me?"
She smiled and said: "Oh yes."
"I saw him at my previous job and me and my mother both knew he was the one.
He asked my phone number and we would talk on the phone for hours.
One time, we were on the phone so long and it started storming, thunder and lightning like we had never before and the power went off."

I said: "That was me, who you talked to that night."
"No", she said. "I'm sure it was him."