Again

The feeling is back.
Other old feelings are gone.
Like loneliness.
But this other feeling is back.
And I don't want it.
You gave me everything.
But you still take weeks.
And enter my sleep.
And take my words.
And wisdom away.
Only to return it back to me on the day.
On the day I wake up again.

I Don't Know

You are close to me but still far away.

It’s hard to know.

To know what’s going on in somebody else’s heart.

I try to feel and read.

But I don’t know if I fail.

At that or not.

Do I see what I want to see?

Or do I see reality?

It crossed my mind.

To be with you forever.

Although I don’t know.

What will happen.

Next time we meet.

Second Heartbeat

I couldn't expect you to run into me.

I took the first step but it feels like destiny.

Our souls connected in more than one way.

Already, you are there.

Next to me, so close, I can feel your breath.

I can feel your heart beating.

I hope you can sense my heart is pounding for you, too.

Love

I might be in love.
With you.
I want to get to know you.
And I'm not giving up anytime soon.
You could be my sun.
I could be your shelter.
I hope we will meet and speak.
Again, sweety.

Travel

Just take one step.
Go with the flow and end up somewhere new.
You are meant to meet the people you meet.
If you wasn't there, they would have had an other experience.

We are all part of something bigger.
But be careful with this realization.
Because most of the time it's too big.
To comprehend.

Out Of Love, I Cried

Rolling this tobacco in thin rice paper.

Sitting in the dark reading.

Thoughts of somebody I do not know.

But they resonate with me.

Still thinking of what I’m really searching for.

I realize I’m on this road alone.

Feelings have returned that made me loose months in the past.

Out of love, I cried.

My body flat on a table listening to a song that resonated with my feelings.

I could not know how this would feel.

There was a time I was alone like this.

When I saw a falling star pass.

It granted my wishes after my long waiting.

And I can’t thank enough.

I Just Can't Find You

I just can't find you.
So what should I do?
Because I'm starting to feel the pressure of society.

I'm not great at searching for a treasure.
I'm that kind that has to fall over it.
To find it.

So what should I do?

I have great dreams at night.
In daylight they seem to get closer.
How far away are you?

Or are you already there?

A Million Ways

You can come up with a million ways to deceive yourself.

I have mastered this game.

I’m making myself believe that I can be alone.

Really alone and deal with that.

Overcome the worst of things by myself.

I only wished that was true.

Some Place I Don't Know Yet

Somewhere a woman is waiting for me and I will find her. I will travel and make mistakes and take the wrong road and there you will be...

Random Thoughts Of Two Months Ago

Boring day. As usual I’m thinking too much about you. A half year it’s been like this and I start to hate my own actions. I feel good when I’m sitting in my car listening to good music, when I’m alone in my backyard smoking cigarettes. My life has been full of nothing, I’m used to keeping things too myself and talk not very frequently. As time goes by I start to wonder if anything is going to happen. Things did happen when I didn't expected and I got hurt from corners I couldn't expect. Sitting in the depths of hell thinking I should end it. In doubt about how I’m going to do that and if I should. Sometimes it feels like the best that can happen. If a truck would be about to hit me, I wouldn't necessarily step out of the way. Suicidal thoughts keep returning at random times. Hope also comes down once again, paying me a visit saying to me I should keep going and that good things will happen again. But for now, there is not less than nothing than there was before I met you and you came into my life. Now you are in my life but I don’t want you to be. There are so many things I hate about you, if I would make a list it could take a day. The list about the good things would be just as long so that evens it out for you. I’m just typing out my thoughts hoping they will get rearranged in a better way than they were before but still, but still I’m struggling with myself and nobody knows or sees it. My life was never really good and happiness only comes once in a blue moon and if it stays more than a week I consider myself lucky. I did do some things I would never had done if it wasn't for this bad news about my body. She didn't even care about it. She never could care about the hard things in life. For her, it’s just about herself and she’s got enough trouble with handling only that. You act like I don’t know you anymore but I do. I know you better than all the other man you had and that you manipulated into loving you. Which is more easy for you to do. I don’t love easily, I never did, there were only a few women I really liked or was in love with and most of the time they weren't thinking it of me. I don’t know, it seems that in Holland I can’t find girls that like me as much as you did. Who knows, maybe in a year or two it will happen again. I really want to get rid of you, and get you of my mind but it seems I still can’t do it. I’m still hoping for your return somewhere or that we at least can spend a night together just for that fact. Just to erase the promises you didn't keep and make my mind at ease so I can move forward to the future and something new. What does work is keep writing, keep writing, till the craft is there and you can talk about anything you want do and put it in the right sentences. The road is harder than I could imagine it would be and I couldn't expect the bad things that happened, I just didn't see them coming. Now I have to deal with all of it on my own and continue my internal struggles I always had with life and the social aspect of things. I wish I didn't think this much or at least just continue life but I can’t forget yet. Almost a year past since that day of summer. It was a bittersweet moment I could never get out of my mind and I still smile thinking back. But I was wrong about you. Dead wrong. You don’t care about people, you only care about things that you can use, that are useful to you. You only love things you need. It should be the other way around. It should be that you would love, and that’s why you need them. I don’t know how to say this in the right words. When I will get lucky like this again? It seem like forever.  Life is but a dream, she might be right. If I could fly away. But I’m stuck here, in my own world. It’s like I’m looking to the world behind glass. I can look but I can’t touch. I don’t how to achieve the things I want, the things I need, and I don’t believe in forcing it, like you. I wouldn't like myself if I had. For girls its different and there are a lot of them that need emotional guidance in this life. We man don’t need that. We can do that on our own. We need different things. What I need is a touch. I wasn't touched for maybe 8 years. It’s ridiculous if I think about it but the reasons are clear to me and I might have deserved it. It’s a harsh life living this way. Like today, I can’t even speak to people and I get nervous about the most little things. I want to shy away from everything and go home and lay in bed. Just nothing, give me nothing on a day like this. It will get better again but for now it’s fucking awful dreadful days ahead of me. Go ahead, go ahead. Alike like nobody. 

Leave

New steps into the future.
Leaping into a new field of dreams.
I leave the leaves that I have stepped on.
And make way for the trees to drop some more.

Could I make it?
On my own?
Why not.

Letting Go

Everything doesn't go as I expected.
Not expecting anything was the answer to my problems.
It will make you unhappy if you expect things.
Things will go as they go.
People will come back if they were supposed to.
You will take them back if it's right.

I've moved on from my difficult self a little bit.
Being less sensitive about things.
Because I  made things too complicated that way.
Although it's the way I am wired and I will still use it.
If it's the right time for it.

The stars are with me this time.
I feel it.
I'm letting myself go.

Wait

I've learned bad luck gets compromised.
If you keep going.
Don't be like everybody else.
Be alone for a while.
Reading thought me there are worse things than being alone.
There is a lot of together unhappiness out there.
Wait, because good things come to those.
Who wait in the right way.

Let Them Run

All this pain, what is it all worth?
I'm lost in this world, wandering.
Where the tenderness and sensitivity made place for materialism and plain fucking.
That's how it seems to me.

I stand alone, for long now.
I spend only a year not feeling alone out of the ten years that are behind me.
Sometimes I cry till the feeling is gone again.
I see people live without somebody caring for them.
They are craving only their sexual desires.

Nobody cares or has time.
Couples pass me in the street and they don't see it.
When will the feeling of being alone stop?
I'm trying without much result.
So the tears still fall without anyone catching them so I let them run.

Protection

Alone, like usual.
Wondering why there are not many people close to me in my life.
The ones that are there I'm very grateful for, even the ones that left.
In my everyday life being in a position to get to know somebody is rare.
I don't expect anything anymore.
What I will get I'm grateful for.
That's how I live now to keep myself sane.
Because life without love is like a room without a roof.
It's acceptable but when the rain comes there is not much protection for my soul.

Pain

Of all the things I have to deal with in my life, you are the most painful thing in it.

Help

We helped each other through a rough period.

I needed you because there was no one else that cared.

You needed me because there was no one else that cared.

But we did.

And by that being said.

I can’t be mad on you.

I can only be grateful for life.

And I will always love you and be there for you.

But not in the way it was before.

And the same counts for you.

The Door

I’m not going to search anymore.

If I was meant to be found I will be.

I just closed a chapter that should have been closed way earlier.

But this opens a new door.

A door I needed to have.

So I can walk through and be on my way.

Get what you need

I will get what I need.

I understand now that I closed the curtains but I didn't move away from the stage.

I've moved away now and left only a shadow.

We can be on our way now.

Freedom is their at last.

After all those bloodlines.

Those billions of believers that pushed through.

And now, we find ourselves here.

Future

No reason to write if you are okay.
The season changed in what it would become.
The past seems further away now.
The present and the future are the only things that are important.
Challenge yourself if you are ready.
Go to a place you have never seen before.
And never let your happiness depend on other people.

Dear something.

Dear something.

I would want to ask you to erase some memories for me.
They are haunting me lately.
And while you're at it.
Can you erase this sickness I have running through me?
Make sure I can walk in 10 years from now?
Maybe give me some luck?
It would be very nice. :)
I paid my deuce.
In love and in life.
Dear, something, I want to stop for a long time now.
What is causing all this?
Is it me?
I'm drowning in fear and loneliness.
Doubt and oh, dear something, a lot more fear.
More than you could ever imagine.
And there was just one person that cared.
And that person seems to hate me now.
Can you please come up with some solution?
Because I also fear death.
A other solution maybe?
Some solution that nobody feels hurt from?
Cause my family wouldn't like it.
And I don't want to put my mom through that.
Maybe you could put something in my life that really cares?
Because I'm beginning to doubt people.
I hope I'm wrong, dear something, really.
I need something, right?

Days

As the days are progressing.
My head is still filled with fear.
Defeating it seems my only mission.
The big mission I should be on, is different.
The only big mission should be to recreate.
Thats what kept us here.
Without it, I wouldn't be.
Although it's not my mission.
I think ultimately it is my goal.
Lust leads up to this.
Love becomes that.
If I only get the chance.
Someday it will be my mission.
But for now, fear leads me.
In to another day of pain and regret.

Traveller

The lonely traveller.
All I do is watch.
Watch how the kids play basketball on the square.
How people walk on their way home.
A girl on the phone passes me.
"We will talk about it tonight."
Just observing has something special.
I guess I'm not that social after all.
I'm trying but most of the time it doesn't work with me.
However, the road alone or with company.
Is the same in the end.
My time for shared pleasure will come when I'm ready.

Calm

I live a calm life.
I don't have much friends.
If I would like I can disappear forgood.
And not many people would care.
It's strange living this way.
But I'm getting used to it.
Why this is my fate? I don't know.
It seems a long forgotten road.
I'm walking on.
Balancing myself in mind.
Holding on to myself.
Somebody will save me from this.
And I'm waiting.
Waiting for you.

Station

I am not a moving train people step on, I am a station that gets passed by.

Road

I feel like I'm on the road, alone, heading to somewhere unknown.
Maybe I won't find what I'm looking for.
It gets me demotivated many times.
Though I believe still, someone is waiting for me out there.

Moon

I shouldn't search for love.
Love will find you.
I guess for some people this happens frequently.
For me, once in a blue moon, or less.

Not Much

I am unlucky.
Unlucky in love, unlucky in life.
I threw away so many years.
I'm trying to catch up and make luck happen.
I get paid in small rewards.
Small moments of happiness but it´s not much.

Women

I never went out to look for women.
Mostly out of self-pity, shyness or lack of confidence.
I made myself believe that it happens when the time is right.
This is the only thing that keeps me standing.
It gives me hope because it happened before.

Dreams

Everyday I wake up with dreams that haven't been materialized.
And I go to bed with dreams that are broken.

Tell

I tell you loneliness.

To get into my veins.

I will let you run free.

So I know how to deal with you.

So many people can’t.

And search for any way to avoid it.

I think you are strong when you can let loneliness come.

And give yourself time.

For the person to get into your life.

That can cure this virus running through.

I am not proud of myself.

That I am so lonely as I am.

Am I strong enough that I can bear.

Or am I weak and should I try harder?

For this moment.

I’m in this by myself.

For a long time coming.

New Shoes

I was like new shoes for her.

Made her feel light on her feet.

Filled her with happiness.

Shoes wear off.

Happiness too.

The present is grim.

If I think of the possibilities went by.

I wish I could grab them.

Revisit old mistakes.

But it won't help.

I will make them.

Over and over again.

Old days.

Old memories.

Gone by.

The wind got hold of them.

Observe

I might not understand it all.
But I can watch and observe with percision.
As everything happens.
I can read from her body language she is exercising to forget.
I see a blue spot just above her left eyebrow.
"I walked against a kitchen cabinet", I expect she would say.
She has a continuous smile but her eyes are empty.
Like she is looking inwards instead of out.
She is working out harder than before.
Pushing herself to the limit.
Sweat pouring from her body.
Letting go of everything.
Like nobody would notice.

Children's Story: The Blackbird

It’s dark. The little birds are sleeping. They have closed their little eyelids. When the morning comes and the sun touches their eyes, they awake. They move out from their little shelters and make noise. I wouldn’t call it singing. It sounds like they just reached puberty. Their big family is just like ours. They fight, they argue and they share food. They live in the hedge and in between the roof and the roof tiles. I watch them as they go. I watch them as they fly out of their little houses and fight. Picking out the bird seeds, they choose the right ones and leave the not so tasty bird seeds for the pigeons because pigeons eat everything. I left an open pot of peanut butter on the ground that I almost finished. It is a good solution because my knife is not flexible enough to finish the last bits. They can and they put their little beaks inside the jar and empty it. I didn’t know they would like peanut butter so much, so I handed them a full pot instead. If they go out, they don’t go far. All of them stay in a range of 100 meters from the house. If there is a cat from the neighborhood peeking in, I’m trying to scare it away. And if I’m not around they get help from an unexpected civilian. The blackbird. I never heard a bird make more noise. When the cat sneaked in on his toes and looked around for a bite to eat he thought he was infallible. He didn’t see the guard who was waiting for an intruder like him. As soon as the intruder found his way to the hedge the blackbird flew to a high branch on the young oak tree at the edge of the yard and started yelling, singing and screaming. He wasn’t exactly screaming but as far as birds have the ability, it sounded just like that. After 15 minutes went by the cat gave up and retreated scared of having his eardrums imploded. The black bird, proud of his achievement of protecting the garden, flew back to his partner, their children save in their nest. And the little birds laughed after having witnessed everything sitting in their little place below the roof tiles, happy with the residents of their little village and thankful for the giant who eats too much peanut butter.

The Swan

She was special.
We would have had a strong bond.
The umbilical cord around my neck.
I got freed just in time to pass through to the other side.

She was standing there when the first light passed my irises.
Now there is only a memory.
In the form of a painting.
A swan with her signature and my name.

Than the fatal day came.
It was a beautiful day, the day she fell.
Just a bike ride she would return from.
But she didn't.

Her light was taken away in a blink of an eye.
With a force we as human beings can't understand.
But she gives me power even to this day.
Although she had to leave from this earth.
I hope she is watching and guiding me from out the distance.

Deserted

You ever heard of no man's land?

It's a place where nobody owns anything.

Or it might be a place where you don't know anybody.

Only stranger who can offer you a smile or a disapproving look.

But what does that mean.

If you return home and nobody is waiting for you.

Sometimes I like to be in that place.

But more often it kills me.

To walk another day in deserted land.

The Listening Ear

I talked to her about the weather.
The change of it all.
The snow that returned.
Where do you live?

Brown eyes respond.
A little smile curling up.

Just the notion that somebody listens.
That's all people really need.
Satellites, radars and radio's.
They are all designed to expand and reach.
The listening ear.

Universe

It's a strange feeling being a part of the universe now.
After hiding myself for eight years.
Blocking every emotion but anger.
Clocking time that went away.
I'm fighting to get it back.
But it won't return.

I can only catch up on lost time.
Minute by minute, second by second.
Hand by hand, kiss by kiss.
I will take every chance I get.
Holding my proud.
On my way I go.

I Love(d) You

Making music makes my mind at ease. A hobby I've been practicing for years. Just to express myself.

Stay

The sky stays static as I watch.
That's why it brings me peace.
Everybody is running around.
I stay.

What are they all trying to proof?
The tricks of nature.
Lust rips me to pieces.
Trying to find myself.

I'm stopping.
Let the universe guide me.
I'm searching hopelessly.
But it brings me nothing.

Let me watch the moon and stay.

Waves

A big mist.
Alone at sea.
Footsteps and seashells.
Looking into my own soul.
Few good things have happened.
More bad things came my way.
Like a flood of waves.
Giving and taking away.
I almost lost myself.
Because of everything the sea took.
Humbled me as much as it could.
The big eye of the universe is still holding me in sight.
Till I disappear in the waves of eternity.
But not now, I have things to catch up on.
Love to give to someone who needs it more than me.
And in retrospect, I did give it all.
It was meant like this.
To keep me going.
Thank you.

Shifting sands

I scrawl words.
They are drawn together.
By my mind.
I'm still standing.
Under pressure.
Holding my balance.
I thought, but I was.
Sinking deep.
Into shifting sands.

You can only make your own safe ground.
Tried that hopelessly.
I tripped.
Fell.
Got hurt.
Gave up.
Hands spread, body and mind.
Collected again.
After laying there.
For hours.
I made my decision.
To try again and again and again.

Her eyes

She is looking, gazing into the sky. 

What she sees is only for her to know. 

There is a song in her head. 

And while she gazes, she remembers, everything.